Sunday 5 August 2012

Forgiveness and Punishment #childabuse #survivor

I've been privileged over the last year to "meet" many survivors of various forms of abuse. Survivors are a special kind of people. We have endured, we have come through the storms and we have lived to tell the tale. We are all different. We have dealt with what happened to us in our own unique ways. Many, if not most of us, will share various "symptoms" or "aftereffects" of what was done to us. That does not mean we can all heal in the same way.

Countless times I've been told I cannot heal unless I forgive those that trespassed against my person. Why? I've forgiven myself and that is the only forgiveness I intend to dish out. Maybe forgiving helps others, but I know that it does not help all.  Belief in God is not the only way to healing either. One thing annoys me above all others and that is being told the only road to healing is through religion. 

How I cope, how I move forward and how I heal will be based on my own terms. This should go for all of us.  I will not be forced to do anything against my free will ever again.

I've been asked countless times if given the chance would I press charges against those that abused, molested and raped me. YES I would! Fortunately for them I think they are all dead. 

I used to encourage others in the same way, but much earlier this year got chatting with a lady who made me see otherwise. It has to be the choice of the victim.  Trying to force a survivor to press charges is not the way to help them.  Being abused takes away our choices. It must be up to each individual how they decide to proceed. I believe the therapy process and time may well lead to the same result. 

I fully understand that not pressing charges leaves the abuser free to do whatever he or she wants. I am totally aware that others might well be abused because of the choices made by the victims. I do not condone this but I also think it wrong to force someone who has endured abuse to take the step if they are not ready. Each situation will be different and everything must be done to allow victims to make their own decisions, in their own time.

Most sentencing for those very few abusers that get to court is too lenient. Until the justice system comes down fully on the side of the victims and properly punishes those that deserve it I feel many victims will not want to press charges. There also needs to be much stronger protection for the abused post legal process.

Going though the legal process can and does tear families and lives apart.  This is something else the victim has to deal with on top of reliving the abuse and facing the abuser across a court room. 

I'm not a therapist. I have no training in dealing with people other than what my own life has taught me.  Some say that this is better grounding for working with victims of abuse than obtaining qualifications. Sometimes I worry that a little knowledge may be dangerous. I give advice and opinion only. I know what works for me and have also experienced what works for others.  I also think it is wrong of me to try and help others when my own road is still rocky.  This road though is paved with a lifetime of experience and each lump, bump, bend and twist has taught me a great deal. 

I hope it is not wrong of me to want to pass on what I have learnt.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are absolutely correct, Jan. NO one can tell you how to heal your self. Professionals assimilate what has worked for most people and suggest or recommend that strategy. However, there is a respect that each person is different and it may or may not work. YOU have the final decision on what you want to do. There is NO good or bad....or right or wrong. Some strategies may never work and others take longer but it is completely the individual's decision on what they would like to do.

For me, I had to forgive the sick person who hurt me. I realized that no baby is born with the desire to torture and abuse children. And that it was their suffering, rage & need for control that created that monster. It was nothing personal. I just happen to be available and within arm's reach. It could have been any kid my age. When I could crawl inside the head of my perpetrator, that helped me to understand. Forgiveness is NOT acceptance of what happened to you. For me, forgiveness discharges all that hate, rage, that had no direction other than to hurt those that loved me and myself. I became self destructive when using drugs as I wanted to drown out all the pain it created. I finally learned how to map my mind so that most of it is vague as every moment I think of that monster, I was giving him power and making myself a victim. We WERE victims as children. But to dwell on this makes us a victim of ourselves now. I also took anti-depressants during the mind mapping time and letting go of the hate. Hate destroys the individual from the inside out and hurts anyone close to them. After all, our hate does not hurt that individual unless you killed him....but it continues to hurt YOU. I did not want to give this man one more second of MY life. So I forgave, to set MYSELF FREE!!! Free from all the why me? Hate, Rage, Self destructive behaviors, etc. I wanted to Live again. I did not want to be critical of myself, the need to be perfect as those are all residuals from the abuse. I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted to trust, laugh, and truly enjoy life to its fullest. I deserved that. I wanted to share my life with a special person and find the happiness within so I could share it with another.

~ Nina Fox

Anonymous said...

You are absolutely correct, Jan. NO one can tell you how to heal your self. Professionals assimilate what has worked for most people and suggest or recommend that strategy. However, there is a respect that each person is different and it may or may not work. YOU have the final decision on what you want to do. There is NO good or bad....or right or wrong. Some strategies may never work and others take longer but it is completely the individual's decision on what they would like to do.

For me, I had to forgive the sick person who hurt me. I realized that no baby is born with the desire to torture and abuse children. And that it was their suffering, rage & need for control that created that monster. It was nothing personal. I just happen to be available and within arm's reach. It could have been any kid my age. When I could crawl inside the head of my perpetrator, that helped me to understand. Forgiveness is NOT acceptance of what happened to you. For me, forgiveness discharges all that hate, rage, that had no direction other than to hurt those that loved me and myself. I became self destructive when using drugs as I wanted to drown out all the pain it created. I finally learned how to map my mind so that most of it is vague as every moment I think of that monster, I was giving him power and making myself a victim. We WERE victims as children. But to dwell on this makes us a victim of ourselves now. I also took anti-depressants during the mind mapping time and letting go of the hate. Hate destroys the individual from the inside out and hurts anyone close to them. After all, our hate does not hurt that individual unless you killed him....but it continues to hurt YOU. I did not want to give this man one more second of MY life. So I forgave, to set MYSELF FREE!!! Free from all the why me? Hate, Rage, Self destructive behaviors, etc. I wanted to Live again. I did not want to be critical of myself, the need to be perfect as those are all residuals from the abuse. I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted to trust, laugh, and truly enjoy life to its fullest. I deserved that. I wanted to share my life with a special person and find the happiness within so I could share it with another.

~ Nina Fox

Anonymous said...

I read this post while nodding in agreement and tears flooding my eyes. You are way right!!! What may be the way for one survivor is not the way for another. I would never want someone forced into reporting or testifying against their abuser. And I for one will NEVER forgive. I'm learning to forgive myself and let go of the shame but I know I have a long way to go. 

A little of my story... 

 For over two years my father raped me night after night. He pimped me out to his "clients" at meth parties. My mother was aware of it all. When she was high and happy I was daddy's little princess. When she was sober and depressed I was the other woman...the whore of the house. 

Just when I thought maybe my nightmare had come to an end a new one began. Every gory detail...me and what I was forced to do played out in court for FUCKING EVERYONE TO SEE! I had the man who broke my soul sitting in front of me with the "I will kill you" look on his face while my mother sobbed for the man that she loved. Lawyers and doctors and caseworkers and foster parents and neighbors and jurors and just what seemed like the whole fucking world staring at me while they passed judgement on my life!!! 

And after all that... He served less than half his sentence. Knowing he was in prison really didn't help me much. I know people say they get some closure but for me...nothing really mattered. 

Anyway...thank you for all you do! I think you're an amazing person with a beautiful soul. 

Hugs to you,
Giavonna 

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