Monday, 27 April 2015

The Sound Of Goodbye

From my first book - 

Beyond Survivor – Rising from the Ashes of Childhood Sexual Abuse

You'll just never know
So many emotions I choose not to show..

Just because my eyes don't cry
Doesn't mean my heart doesn't weep.

Just because I appear strong,
Doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.

I'm going to smile...and make you think I'm happy
I'm going to you don't see me cry...
Even if it kills me...I'm going to smile.

Sometimes the pain's too strong to bare...
Life gets so hard you just don't care.
You feel so alone you just sit and cry...
Every second you wish you could die.
Then you start thinking who would care
If one day they woke up and

You were no longer there..

I've been weak and I've been strong.
I've been through the fire
I've been through the storm.
Try to do right and I know I do wrong.
Just be happy for me when my life is gone.
With no more hurt and no more tears,
There will be no more pain and no more fears.
No more people in my face that are not sincere.
So smile for me when I'm no longer here.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I don't know what I want to see.
My world use to be worth living for,
Now it's hard enough just to be me

I'm not afraid of the gun in my hand,
I'm not afraid of dying,
I'm just afraid of the pain it will bring,
Not to me, but to you...

The gun is shaking in my hands
All I hear is the sound...

Of goodbye....

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Live Your Life, Be Free.. #childabuse #survivors

We live and through doing so, we learn. 

Learnt behaviour has been playing on my mind. Behaviour learnt both in childhood as well as in adulthood. 

As victims of childhood sexual crimes we were invariably conditioned to believe the abuser/s. Our innocence was ripped from us along with trust and the chance of a normal childhood.

Many victims of childhood sexual abuse become trapped within a cycle later in their lives. Abusive relationships become the norm, whatever form the later abuse takes. The victim only knows abuse and so ends up in adult relationships within which they are again abused. This may be down to a feeling of being unworthy of a healthy, nurturing adult relationship. 

I know that this was true in my own case. I felt dirty and unworthy of happiness. I sought out damaging relationships. Subconsciously maybe, but seek them I did. 

With that most amazing of things called hindsight I can see an obvious pattern. If I wasn't in an abusive relationship I punished myself in other ways. To be honest I also punished myself whilst in the relationships. 

The conditioned "fact" that I was lower than the low permeated every aspect of my life. What a blind fool I was.

The past few years have had several highs and corresponding lows. Disclosure is both freeing but can leave one feeling vulnerable and exposed. It is worth it though. I'm not saying it's easy because it isn't. One day you will reach a point where a realisation dawns on you.

YOU are worthy.  Try reading this list out loud to yourself..

1 - I will not be disrespected
2 - If I am not a priority then walk away from me.
3 - I am worthy and deserve to be treated well.
4 - Treat me badly and watch me walk away.
5 - I can appreciate that we all have problems to deal with.
6 - Good manners cost nothing.
7 - I am stronger than I thought I was.
8 - I am worthy of respectful love.
9 - Mess with me and I'll chew your head off.
10 - I think I'm very awesome.

You may be a victim of crime, but as you have got this far you are in truth the victor! You survived. You lived. You are here today to tell your own truth. You DO NOT deserve second best. 

Stand tall, stand proud and rid yourself of those that do not support you, those that blame you, those that enjoy your pain, those that doubt you and those that treat you as a second class person. 

Embrace those that truly support you, that stand with you. Some would take a bullet for you, they are most definitely worth hanging onto at all costs.

YOU are not dirty. YOU are worthy. YOU deserve a happy and fulfilling life, no matter what age you are. 

Speak your truth. Speak your mind. Be open to others that are open and honest with you. 

There may be bumpy roads ahead, but if you hold firm to the truth and value yourself, then the bumps will be worth it. 

You're not a victim, you are a survivor, you have been victorious.  Your enjoyment of life will be the best slap in the face of those that doubted you, those that hurt you, that you could ever hope for.

Life is for living, not for grieving. 

Take chances. Believe not only in yourself but also that you are worthy of lifes treasures. 

Be happy. Break the ties that bind you!!!


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